me?

a year has gone by. wow. on days like this i need to stop time & look around. i'm not necessarily religious, nor do i seriously believe in divine intervention. it's nice to think of in theory - God's hand guiding us, but i've always thought those who claim God has led them to a place or person were just grasping to justify actions. or that a simple stroke of luck came their way and they've glorified its meaning. as i sit here now and look back on the few times when i can't ignore a guiding hand in my life, i realize that today is one of them.

i've never handled stress well. either i'm searching and hoping for someone to pick me up from sorrow and transport me to a happier place of being OR i'm just downright destructive to myself and those i love the most. all times i wish i'd behaved differently but simply didn't know how. nor would i look beyond my comfort zone for answers. i blamed my depths and inability to get past them on clinical depression.

oh, don't get me wrong, i'll take whatever pill or potion recommended to get me through those times. they hurt too much not to. lately though i've turned to someone else for relief & salvation. me.

i've discovered that a good cry really can help me get through times of confusion where in the past i thought that was a ridiculous theory. i mean, when the crying is over, then what? you're still in the same mess, feeling the same way, right? either times have changed or i have. or my mental health has. or all three. but i do find that a good cry can help to cleanse some of the mess inside.

another amazing thing has happened - for the first time in my life i can honestly say that i enjoy my own company. not tolerate out of desperation, but ENJOY my alone time and journeys. this has helped in countless ways, including the miracle of getting me off the couch & out through the neighborhoods walking. no boredom, no loneliness, just me & that's okay.

recently, there've been times when i've relied on my own company to pick up & carry me through hard times. when i can't think of a single person to sit with me while i figure out my life, thoughts & issues, without judgement or need to do it all out loud. when the crying is over and the 'now what' creeps in. when my heart or head tells me there's something missing in my life. when i'm unsure where to go from here. there's me.

that i've come to this non-loneliness and peace, well, i have to give credit and thanks where due. thank you God for leading me. thank you Mom for showing me that it can be done and how. thank you Ed for recognizing the signs that i need to work it out myself and supporting, even urging me to look for solutions on my own.

there are very few times in my life that i've gone off desperately seeking solace. those times when it got too tough to stare at the walls or my bedposts, but to go out & take back the meaning. i've gotten into the car armed with a journal & a pen, asking for a hand to lead me to a place condusive to quiet thought and clarity. somewhere inspirational, bordering on magical. once i gave in to the journey, i was delivered effortlessly to the very places i requested. vastly different but similar in atmosphere, places that each helped me to obtain clarity & get back on a good path.

the beauty of nature can restore me like nothing else can. okay, expensive spa treatments and the manufactured zen environment where they're delivered can do wonders as well. but sitting with nature, enjoying stillness and my own thought process in 'restore' mode - those times are very few. but lately asked & answered with a force so strong it steers my car. i know this because each time the places i found were unknown to me before i landed there.

serenity. i wear it on a bracelet. i search for it with my soul. and i now feel confident i can find it. with God's hand and just a little help from my new best friend. me.