come hell or high water

ever wonder where often-used phrases come from? i find myself saying something familiar then immediately wondering who coined that phrase and why. where did "coin a phrase" come from anyway?

mind your Ps and Qs (what's wrong with Bs and Cs?)
throw the baby out with the bath water (why not the old man?)
oh for God's sake (why bring him into this?)
a penny for your thoughts (i'd rather have a dollar)
fair to middlin (i get fair, but what the heck is middlin?)
what's shakin? (lots of things are shakin but why do you want to know that?)
how do you like them apples? (what apples?)
from soup to nuts (shouldn't that be from appetizer to dessert?)
johnny come lately (he can come late, but how does he come lately? and who's Johnny?)
one-trick pony (am i a pony? seriously)
fiddle sticks (no clue whatsoever)
let the cat out of the bag (someone keeps a cat in a bag? call the humane society!)
bring home the bacon (i'd rather bring home a paycheck than a pork product)
hit rock bottom (do we know there are rocks on the bottom? could be sand or grass)
what a sap (how did he turn into a gummy tree substance and why is it bad to do so?)
Jack of all trades (what if his name is Harry or Steve?)
Jumping Jack Flash (Jack gets around and he is very active)
another county heard from (what about the city or state? don't they have an opinion?)
it's raining cats and dogs (what? are there farm animals too?)
up at the crack of dawn (did it break?)

so many more, too many to think of. guess i'll just take a powder.

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back-office

hello from my office. i am the manager of a very efficient and service-oriented accounts payable department. let me set the scene for you. regular office-type noises in the background, not much laughing or talking cuz hey, we're pretty darn busy. florescent lights, calendars, a few plants, guest chairs. oh yeah, and giant mounds of paper. as part of my effort to streamline and improve the department, i've come up with a few tips on how to assure excellent service from myself and my team. these i gladly pass on, without so much as a *hint* of sarcasm:

1. call every day about something minor

2. be as vague as possible when inquiring about an invoice or payment

3. assume and assert that you are the ONLY one in the WORLD that we service

4. need the same explanation over and over, and still don't understand it

5. act like you are the king/queen/god and we are low-life scum

6. know absolutely nothing about anything and don't even bother to know where to find out

7. assume that your invoice is jumping out at us from a pile of over 1,000 others saying "here i am, here i am"

8. e-mail often and copy everyone in the company directory about a $2.95 expense reimbursement

9. stand behind me until i get your minor task or request done

10. send/give us copies after copies of the same invoice/payment request over and over, by e-mail, fax, inter-office mail AND US Mail

11. mention everything we are doing "wrong" in meetings with executives, then smirk at me because my throwing YOU under the bus now would seem argumentative

12. assign the stupidest most air-headed person on your staff to be our liaison to your department

13. insist that we are the hold-up, that your invoice is sitting on our desk gathering dust, then find it on your own desk

14. make excuses about why you can't possibly get to our request because you're swamped, but assume that we are twiddling our thumbs

15. assume that we can just whip our our checkbook and write you a check and refuse to believe that there is a process involved and that it takes time

16. accuse us often of holding your invoice for our own pleasure other than because there are legitimate reasons why we can't get to it immediately

any and all of these will make our process go much more smoothly and improve our morale. i'm sure i've left out a few ways to give us incentive to handle your issue immediately, but feel free to call us and tell us how to do our jobs.

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