the five things i learned by staying home

the FIVE things this career girl has learned by being a housewife:

not by choice mind you but by life tide, I've worked steadily and completely for the last 35 years. being in the entertainment industry the jobs have their own special kind of urgency - EGO-driven urgency. so-and-so wants this RIGHT NOW or there will be wrath like no other. okay, so I've faced many of those situations with my own brand of whatever, I always though I wanted so badly to be home making a nest for my family.

but, at the age of 57, here comes the completely unexpected. a company owner SO obsessed with owning his company that he flies non-stop, takes 3 breakfast meetings on a slow day and is a self-professed 3-hour per night sleeper, decides to sell the company that we all hold fast to. and I find myself in completely uncharted territory. the last time I had any length of time off was in the early 80s when I moved across country to be with my then-boyfriend whose firefighting kept him away for 3-4 days at a time. different times, different state, different girl. so it's safe to say that this was completely uncharted waters.

not counting the life-affirming trip I took to Colorado to renew spirit and focus, it's been just TWO WEEKS after returning home and i'm discovering what works/doesn't work about being home for a living. mostly coming to me on a date my husband proposed to get me out of the house.

1) social media is a godsend - while in Colorado, I found myself surrounded by non-social-media-loving folks. so, my take-a-picture-of-my-dinner-and-post-it behavior was not normal. usually not one to take the advice of others to heart so easily, this was told to me by my long-time mentor and friend, one of the 2 or 3 people on this planet whose advice I covet, said to me in a very nice way that they haven't been around anyone so enthusiastically connected. i'm paraphrasing but that's the picture I got in my mind while hearing the words - some bouncy child-like person-thing shouting "look what i'm doing!" at the top of my lungs ALL THE TIME. also I realized that while I was doing that, I wasn't fully present in the moment and I had looked SO forward to this time with her and in her life that I put the phone aside. being a total all-or-nothing girl I didn't look back for the rest of the trip. no more posting, checking in, commenting - nada. it helped that the scenery was breathtaking and that I began a crochet project shortly after getting there. read: total nesting. I found my life was so much more uncomplicated not listening to everyone's opinion all the time. and during a particularly grating election on me and the country I didn't miss the political bickering either. habit unformed. after I got home I continued to leave it off my agenda. didn't even check in. was tempted once while making jam with a friend (bucket list item - checked) to post pictures of the process but she told me I wouldn't have time during the making. who was she kidding, I could've taken pictures and posted them with my toes if I wanted to. while out on the "discovery date" i'm calling it, one epiphany was that I MISSED the support I got from old/new/re-discovered friends. I had posted a very short "did ya miss me?" post a few days earlier and forgotten to check whether it had gotten responses. checking while out to dinner I discovered that I MISSED the support I got from old/new/re-discovered friends. the people who responded to that roll call were folks I wouldn't have thought to call or text directly but the responses made me tear up a bit. they were still there.

2) a new and tasty successful casserole recipe cooked to perfection does not equal the satisfaction you get when you:

hire an incredible individual
implement a new process/procedure/system successfully
get a nod of approval from a boss or equivalent

it just isn't the same. and expecting that same level of kudos from the husband tasting same casserole just brings on a disagreement

3) you can very easily drive yourself crazy from boredom. even if there are 100 things you wanted to get to but couldn't when you were working 45+ hours a week, and you are actively doing them, it's BORING as hell to wash mountains of clothes, scrub the refrigerator or re-organize a crammed closet.

4) even if you think you know YOU, you've never been this YOU before. it's discovery time. for good or bad, getting to know yourself as this NEW person can be painful.

5) prepare to not get any significant resting space. when working, i'd come home and KNEW I deserved a nice rest from all that happened during the day. I was already detached from household chores so I didn't feel like I was letting anyone down. the drill now is that literally any time my butt hit the cushion without a pile of something I was sorting/clearing I felt like I was betraying....something....the house? my husband? myself? after all those years of saying to myself "if I only had the time i'd get ALL of this stuff done", I felt like I should be speeding through the house all the time, every day, doing chore after chore until everything and everyone was spotlessly clean and organized. it doesn't help that I had just returned from a Colorado home that is just that spotless and organized. no really. you could SEE all the things in a cupboard. no five layers of stuff that got shoved in there, nothing in that back row that had far outlasted it's usefulness and was now rusty and dusty (and unnoticed). I will fantasize about being that person until the day I die.

Read more...

ramble

sitting here getting wisdom and friendship from facebook posts, with my coffee on the deck, it's a ritual i'd like to keep. too many chores, so little time. it's comforting to know that i have such a group of bright, insightful, funny friends. from the gamut of my life and beyond. i've been blocked lately - that feeling that you want to write but can't possibly think of what to say. then it comes out - first in wordy posts to others, then on to something i can share. i look up at my rusty old windchimes from the old monastery, so meaningful. i know when the wind blows  - when i hear a noise outside and start to worry, the chimes give me comfort knowing it's just a gust of wind. comforting. knowing i can sneak in on my niece or nephew's plans even though i assume they'd MUCH rather be with their friends doing young things. comforting. knowing the shore is just a short drive away (and feeling bad for those for which it is not). i brought work home this weekend and i'm hoping that instead of looking at it as a contributor to burnout, it will be a source of comfort yet again when i examine everything i can do to put right my monday morning. checking in on all facets of life can be time-consuming and stressful when it comes to putting them in the right order, but my vacation taught me that my nesting self is alive and well and was just covered by the dust of a working woman. that making a meal can also feel like finishing a week-long project that i was nervous about but was a source of pride in the end.

that i'm sitting on my deck looking at blue skies and feeling a slight, tepid breeze while others are frozen, so thankful. to be able to go out to the movies with friends and hopefully have a few family members over for dinner the next day, to know that soon my hubby will walk in and start his (hopefully) leisurely saturday with, knowing him, a few chores sprinkled in. trees stretching toward the sky. some manicuring DEFINITELY needed, a little too much overgrowth but hey, i always say i like a victorian-style flora about me, not a fan of the neatly trimmed rose bushes all in a well-planned row.

pause to take a break and check on things in the house - one dog eating a sponge and the other looking at me like "well?" my dogs are a source of great pleasure.

saw a movie last night about two aging fighters duking it out to put a long-term dream to rest. LOVE that these two actors, not young or beautiful as they once were, seemed to enjoy playing roles that were funny, irreverent, and yes, old. a great message that we can, in fact, re-visit old thoughts, feelings and even problems that there is always a chance to set things right. being old enough to recognize bits of classic dialog and moments of throwback to iconic movies from my younger days is something i cherish. i love to make connections to past joys.

Read more...

in my head

ahhh the search for the perfect resting spot. for my mind that is. i can honestly say that now more than ever i enjoy my time and journeys alone. or with friends/family that come along for their own peace and not to impede mine. the perfect settings are those that include water: stream, ocean, lake, and/or shade trees and green, lush grass. sand is good, or rocks with perfect sitting grooves, a hammock or two, a fire. good thoughts, a nice snack or beverage, some kick-back friends gazing at the same spot as i. a book works too, something i can get lost in or that inspires me, most times a spiral notebook and good pen are must-haves.

the line "go to your happy place" was used a lot years ago to distract from stress or fear. i have been blessed with too many "happy places" to count. looking over the railing of a cruise ship at the dark ocean, on a lone bench in a woodsy park, sitting just outside a memorial stupa on a high mountain, walking along a beach at sunset, near a campfire, floating on a pool raft in silence - i could easily fill a page with the spots and times that line my memory banks and places very near and dear to my heart - nourishment for the soul.

better still is that i can now turn everyday corners into these same feel-good places. with time that process takes less props and pieces, less sounds and atmospheric helpers. it seems that the process of turning a room or spot on the grass into a contemplative or meditative space is internal. whether that comes with age, or growth, whether it's standard or a gift - i'll take it!

Read more...

2012

went to see Les Miserables yesterday (actually, went TWICE) and was extremely happy to see that it translated well to the film genre. because it was very well cast with actors who felt their roles, i was in the streets of France during a time of upheaval, blood, and courage of conviction.

couldn't help but feel this morning the extreme gratitude that my life is so far away from those depicted yesterday. because it was so easy from my theater seat to feel the grit of the gutter and the desperation of those stranded there, when i woke up in my bed, in my room, in my house, on my block, in my city, in my state, in my country and in my time, i was overcome with the true meaning of the phrase "There, but for the grace of God..." so, in my typical "creative comfort zone", i decided to make another list. not of resolutions (although i have many), but of the things big and small that come to mind when i give thanks.

- that i was born in the USA where the conditions are worlds away from those i read about and know exist in other places

- that my family consists of people i would CHOOSE to be with should i not be related

- that at 48 years old, i found someone who cares for and comforts me, who knows what to do when i don't, and that for better or for worse vowed to share his life with me

- that i also, at 48, "inherited" a family of which i am proud and happy to be a part

- that my extreme love of animals has been fulfilled by the gazes of my beautiful pets who have loved me and have brought indescribable comfort

- that i possess the ability to see, hear, smell, feel, articulate, participate, and all the other physical and mental blessings that have been granted me

- that despite it being overwhelming at times, i enjoy the way i make my living

- that i have come to, over these years, a comfort level with myself and my capabilities

- that i can feel joy, even at the smallest, silliest things

and right now, at this table at coco's, that food is available, plentiful and obtainable in the place and the life that i live. that the new year will continue to bring blessings and happiness to my life, i toast to a happy 2013.

Read more...

and now a word from our sponsor...

commercials. for every funny one there are 3 really insulting ones and two simply disturbing ones. the corndog slapping a guy's face, talking bleach bottles, mops falling in love, dirt balls waiting for a dust wand, flo, people eating junk food and acting like it's the best choice we could make. dancing fruit, creepy kings and talking heads. over the years there have been SO many 30 second spots that inspired and disapponted.

remember the 60 second spots? then there was a phase where they would play back-to-back on one product, fill a 60 second spot with two 30 second ads. i LOVE watching the old ones, ones that took the nation's temperature with the latest products. great theme songs that we've been singing for years - teaching the world to sing or sounding off components of a burger. how much time have we spent watching ads? now we don't even see them, pass right by them with the push of a button. every time i wonder how any money is made when that happens. sponsors? is anyone sponsoring them now? if you're lost, follow the burma shave signs.

Read more...

if only

hopeful. someone so strong who has done so much without a net. she leans on others, some she shouldn't, and always leads with her emotions. i've watched her through some precarious situtions. i didn't like her choices, resented her intrusion, then she became a friend. then she became family. i can't say "daughter" because i'm really so unfamiliar with what that would feel like that i have nothing to compare. maybe that's the way my sister feels when she snuggles with my neice. that the feeling is unlike any other she's ever felt, because before this, she didn't know what it would feel like either.

when she calls for an ear, a shoulder, some distraction, kinship and dare i say advice, i know that it's important i don't just roll into the place i go when i talk to friends with my similar experiences, older friends, without the same trust or willingness to follow. yet on many occasions the inability to go where i steer her because the pull to the comfortable path is just too great. thank God that comfortable psth has taken a turn away from lost. i always say i'm too smart for drugs, that their world would scare me away. another part of me thinks that it's all in what's "normal". the path that's shown as just another road and not somewhere that nobody should go, in fact family members and friends are there, calling you over, saying "it's great over here!". i have to admit that if that's what was shown to me, i may have just followed without asking. like she did.

when i see now the raw emotion that she shares, the places she'll go in her heart and, while worrying that it may just break, goes there anyway. when she says that she sees me as a mother figure, instead of being choked up and/or overcome with emotion all i feel is shock that someone would see me that way. i have a small glimpse into what she was masking, almost a protection of sorts, from the sadness and heartache that can happen in the days and nights of a life fully lived. loneliness, depression, fear, insecurity, inability, i imagine all leave when you ingest the mask and abandon the escape. and yet here she is, trying to cope sober and wide open to all the hurt and pain. where i didn't have ANY compassion to those who took the wrong path, never thought they lost their way, but deliberately turned, took the pill, prepared the needle, in hopes of feeling something other than what the rest of us live. life can be mundane, messy, scary, lonely, along with all the wonderful possibilites and feelings come the ones we don't want - it's rather brave to choose to bear them, to force through them. and here she is, still facing the fears, guiding her little girl through them, always close and protective, about to take steps that nobody should ever have to take. the path is set, it's lined with people holding hands to form a protective fence that is hoped to be a barrier between her and the wrong people, places and decisions, and i am proud to say that i'm right there next to her dad and the rest of us who want to guide her to where she needs to be. still scared of saying the wrong thing or steering the wheel just a bit to hard, she's my daughter. and that's my job.

Read more...

just me and my hot blonde

struggling to pick up a penny, under the table, halfway into the bushes, i swear i'm picking it up just for luck. honestly. not that i really care what the folks that share the patio think - good or bad i was never one to worry about that - but more like how it made ME feel. knowing so much about folks struggling in today's economy, both here and around the globe, i do stop to think how many people would dive for that penny out of necessity. we know ALL about it all now, and i almost wish we didn't. yes, for my own sanity i'm very guilty of hiding my head in the sand, at least for awhile.

but i digress, BIG TIME. i came here to starbucks hoping to leave my blues on this patio. what better than some blog therapy. a good old-fashioned dump onto a blank screen. TRYING to avoid the edit & re-edit monsters i want to get this down "au natural". and it's really hard. typing it out is one thing, pressing that "publish blog" is yet another. writing for the reader? guilty. feeling bad about feeling bad? guilty. i worry about everything i say, write, read. we have so much, so many advantages that others don't have. i feel TOTALLY guilty expressing a mood or a feeling other than YAY! i have a job, a home, friends, family, and i try to express those thoughts i really do.

but then there comes a day like today following a night like last night. little plans that go awry, little disappointments in the grand scheme of a good life. i'm indulging that today, after this very long disclaimer, AND publishing it for the random reader to take.

so, here i am with my hot blonde (i really thought i was clever ordering that, but i'm sure i'm far from the only one) and my heated breakfast bun. ok, you can yell at me later for the sugar and cholesterol intake but day-am! therapy never tasted so good. hopefully the day will be spent with a caring hubby, good friends, and an ever-forgiving family, i KNOW i'm very lucky. call me redundant disclaimer woman. yet here i am manuevering the edge of sadness and a just plain bad mood. i'm glad i came here. a shady patio, happy people chatting, real conversations not just those "like, like, like" speaking tweens. no dangling participles, no punctuating "at" at the end of every sentence. feels good - i'm happy to have gotten this group of folks as my background noise. the strip-mall version of a neighborhood coffee house, this has been a mood-lifter on more than a few occasions.

my mind is everywhere - being the main reason i invite the monsters to polish up my jibberish before publishing - but i have to say it's starting to turn toward the light. the frivolous, the happy! mood-lifter! i'm glad i found you. AND there's a dollar tree right across the small parking lot. cheap retail therapy, here i come!

Read more...