Mind Games

Funny how little some people know about me. lately I’ve been pulling these old stories out of my head in conversation and surprising myself thinking that people who’ve known me for years don’t know 

Reynolds & Reynolds. For the rich bitch Gold opened at 400% over market today. 1979 Dave Greenwood. So funny, I was the rich bitch?

Weekend in vegas. Ed likes the smokey, dusty dimly-lit rooms full of gambling people. He likes to drink and gamble. Funny, I remember having gone through a few phases like that – in my 20s, stay at the blackjack table until 2am. Tidal winnings – up / down / up / down – hopefully leaving with more. But not much so it may not have been worth the price of the experience.

It used to be such a grownup thing to do. Walk up to a blackjack table and plunk down your $20. Tommy used to say that the dealers just LOOOOOVED those "girls with their 20’s”.  He said that was their bread and butter. It seems you have to have money to make money. Or win money. And I never went in with anything. I just couldn’t imagine saving money to gamble. Or give it away. I’d rather have something to show for it. Through my husband though, I’ve come to understand that someone who considers that atmosphere akin to entertainment. Like a dinner and a concert. I’ve never balked at that before so maybe I can see how it could be viewed as something to save for.

Desert, tumbleweeds. Always feels the same driving through. I always wonder how it feels to live here. Or there. Especially in a foreign country, I don’t know why I find it so hard to wrap my head around it. These people think this is perfectly normal. Like the woman in the water taxi. Surrounded by the glory of Bora Bora, I asked her if she knew just how beautiful it all is. How does it feel to live with such beauty? She looked at me sorta strange and half-shrugged her shoulders. It’s just home to me.

Some moments stick in your mind for no apparent reason. You forget so many things. Moreso as you age. Even what you had for breakfast. Yet the moments are still there. The same ones. And they pop up at the strangest times. It doesn’t have to be anything necessarily monumental or even all that special. But for some reason durable.

Reynolds & Reynolds.

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More stream...

disclaimer (since i always seem to have one these days): new day, new blog. trying for stream of conciousness, dump on screen if you will. not likely to be very uplifting, i'm in one of "those" moods today. mood disorders are a bitch. they can be exhasperating to say the least. to those who have to put up with me on a daily basis, i salute you.

it's amazing how different each day can feel. to me, the weather just feels swampy. a friend on facebook posted that it reminds her of being in the bahamas and she loves it. if i got to choose, which some say i do but it's hard to believe sometimes, i would pick the tropical memory over the cursed sticky air. all in how you see it.

take my job for instance. i am gainfully employed and VERY grateful to be so. that said, the difference between how i feel there from one day to the next is staggering. since i'm not doing any good for the world or those in it, it almost always feels pointless. i often feel underappreciated or completely overlooked. then a day comes along where i feel accomplished and proud, but more often then not there's just too much to do to ever finish anything, too many e-mails to answer, too many steps to solve a problem and too many people who need something from me.

then, there are the interviews. an open position in a desirable company is scarce these days. still, i'd like to hire the best possible person so that means weeding through candidates who just want to get their "foot in the door" at "the studios". ugh. when i hear that my mind almost always goes: NEXT. "i can do anything someone throws at me", "i'm a team player", "i have excellent customer service skills"....on and on, platitudes, cliches, one to the next. i've learned long ago that to glean a person's true ability and demeanor from a 1/2 hour conversation is next to impossible. and yet both of those qualities are critical to how i feel about my job from day to day.

as usual, as i'm writing this i'm seeing the obvious lesson that i've missed. since that's often what journaling is supposed to do, and what is blogging but public journaling, i feel proud that i push myself to do this since so many people don't. this particular lesson says clearly that i can't control the factors that are outside of my control, that come from circumstance or from others' contribution to my world. it feels so much to me like i have some control, but for the most part i don't have much. i've heard this, over and over, that i can only change or should worry about what i can control and let the rest take care of itself. that others' actions aren't under my control, but my REactions are.

to apply this lesson is my challenge for today. if it were my only challenge, i'd be a very lucky gal.

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the five things i learned by staying home

the FIVE things this career girl has learned by being a housewife:

not by choice mind you but by life tide, I've worked steadily and completely for the last 35 years. being in the entertainment industry the jobs have their own special kind of urgency - EGO-driven urgency. so-and-so wants this RIGHT NOW or there will be wrath like no other. okay, so I've faced many of those situations with my own brand of whatever, I always though I wanted so badly to be home making a nest for my family.

but, at the age of 57, here comes the completely unexpected. a company owner SO obsessed with owning his company that he flies non-stop, takes 3 breakfast meetings on a slow day and is a self-professed 3-hour per night sleeper, decides to sell the company that we all hold fast to. and I find myself in completely uncharted territory. the last time I had any length of time off was in the early 80s when I moved across country to be with my then-boyfriend whose firefighting kept him away for 3-4 days at a time. different times, different state, different girl. so it's safe to say that this was completely uncharted waters.

not counting the life-affirming trip I took to Colorado to renew spirit and focus, it's been just TWO WEEKS after returning home and i'm discovering what works/doesn't work about being home for a living. mostly coming to me on a date my husband proposed to get me out of the house.

1) social media is a godsend - while in Colorado, I found myself surrounded by non-social-media-loving folks. so, my take-a-picture-of-my-dinner-and-post-it behavior was not normal. usually not one to take the advice of others to heart so easily, this was told to me by my long-time mentor and friend, one of the 2 or 3 people on this planet whose advice I covet, said to me in a very nice way that they haven't been around anyone so enthusiastically connected. i'm paraphrasing but that's the picture I got in my mind while hearing the words - some bouncy child-like person-thing shouting "look what i'm doing!" at the top of my lungs ALL THE TIME. also I realized that while I was doing that, I wasn't fully present in the moment and I had looked SO forward to this time with her and in her life that I put the phone aside. being a total all-or-nothing girl I didn't look back for the rest of the trip. no more posting, checking in, commenting - nada. it helped that the scenery was breathtaking and that I began a crochet project shortly after getting there. read: total nesting. I found my life was so much more uncomplicated not listening to everyone's opinion all the time. and during a particularly grating election on me and the country I didn't miss the political bickering either. habit unformed. after I got home I continued to leave it off my agenda. didn't even check in. was tempted once while making jam with a friend (bucket list item - checked) to post pictures of the process but she told me I wouldn't have time during the making. who was she kidding, I could've taken pictures and posted them with my toes if I wanted to. while out on the "discovery date" i'm calling it, one epiphany was that I MISSED the support I got from old/new/re-discovered friends. I had posted a very short "did ya miss me?" post a few days earlier and forgotten to check whether it had gotten responses. checking while out to dinner I discovered that I MISSED the support I got from old/new/re-discovered friends. the people who responded to that roll call were folks I wouldn't have thought to call or text directly but the responses made me tear up a bit. they were still there.

2) a new and tasty successful casserole recipe cooked to perfection does not equal the satisfaction you get when you:

hire an incredible individual
implement a new process/procedure/system successfully
get a nod of approval from a boss or equivalent

it just isn't the same. and expecting that same level of kudos from the husband tasting same casserole just brings on a disagreement

3) you can very easily drive yourself crazy from boredom. even if there are 100 things you wanted to get to but couldn't when you were working 45+ hours a week, and you are actively doing them, it's BORING as hell to wash mountains of clothes, scrub the refrigerator or re-organize a crammed closet.

4) even if you think you know YOU, you've never been this YOU before. it's discovery time. for good or bad, getting to know yourself as this NEW person can be painful.

5) prepare to not get any significant resting space. when working, i'd come home and KNEW I deserved a nice rest from all that happened during the day. I was already detached from household chores so I didn't feel like I was letting anyone down. the drill now is that literally any time my butt hit the cushion without a pile of something I was sorting/clearing I felt like I was betraying....something....the house? my husband? myself? after all those years of saying to myself "if I only had the time i'd get ALL of this stuff done", I felt like I should be speeding through the house all the time, every day, doing chore after chore until everything and everyone was spotlessly clean and organized. it doesn't help that I had just returned from a Colorado home that is just that spotless and organized. no really. you could SEE all the things in a cupboard. no five layers of stuff that got shoved in there, nothing in that back row that had far outlasted it's usefulness and was now rusty and dusty (and unnoticed). I will fantasize about being that person until the day I die.

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ramble

sitting here getting wisdom and friendship from facebook posts, with my coffee on the deck, it's a ritual i'd like to keep. too many chores, so little time. it's comforting to know that i have such a group of bright, insightful, funny friends. from the gamut of my life and beyond. i've been blocked lately - that feeling that you want to write but can't possibly think of what to say. then it comes out - first in wordy posts to others, then on to something i can share. i look up at my rusty old windchimes from the old monastery, so meaningful. i know when the wind blows  - when i hear a noise outside and start to worry, the chimes give me comfort knowing it's just a gust of wind. comforting. knowing i can sneak in on my niece or nephew's plans even though i assume they'd MUCH rather be with their friends doing young things. comforting. knowing the shore is just a short drive away (and feeling bad for those for which it is not). i brought work home this weekend and i'm hoping that instead of looking at it as a contributor to burnout, it will be a source of comfort yet again when i examine everything i can do to put right my monday morning. checking in on all facets of life can be time-consuming and stressful when it comes to putting them in the right order, but my vacation taught me that my nesting self is alive and well and was just covered by the dust of a working woman. that making a meal can also feel like finishing a week-long project that i was nervous about but was a source of pride in the end.

that i'm sitting on my deck looking at blue skies and feeling a slight, tepid breeze while others are frozen, so thankful. to be able to go out to the movies with friends and hopefully have a few family members over for dinner the next day, to know that soon my hubby will walk in and start his (hopefully) leisurely saturday with, knowing him, a few chores sprinkled in. trees stretching toward the sky. some manicuring DEFINITELY needed, a little too much overgrowth but hey, i always say i like a victorian-style flora about me, not a fan of the neatly trimmed rose bushes all in a well-planned row.

pause to take a break and check on things in the house - one dog eating a sponge and the other looking at me like "well?" my dogs are a source of great pleasure.

saw a movie last night about two aging fighters duking it out to put a long-term dream to rest. LOVE that these two actors, not young or beautiful as they once were, seemed to enjoy playing roles that were funny, irreverent, and yes, old. a great message that we can, in fact, re-visit old thoughts, feelings and even problems that there is always a chance to set things right. being old enough to recognize bits of classic dialog and moments of throwback to iconic movies from my younger days is something i cherish. i love to make connections to past joys.

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in my head

ahhh the search for the perfect resting spot. for my mind that is. i can honestly say that now more than ever i enjoy my time and journeys alone. or with friends/family that come along for their own peace and not to impede mine. the perfect settings are those that include water: stream, ocean, lake, and/or shade trees and green, lush grass. sand is good, or rocks with perfect sitting grooves, a hammock or two, a fire. good thoughts, a nice snack or beverage, some kick-back friends gazing at the same spot as i. a book works too, something i can get lost in or that inspires me, most times a spiral notebook and good pen are must-haves.

the line "go to your happy place" was used a lot years ago to distract from stress or fear. i have been blessed with too many "happy places" to count. looking over the railing of a cruise ship at the dark ocean, on a lone bench in a woodsy park, sitting just outside a memorial stupa on a high mountain, walking along a beach at sunset, near a campfire, floating on a pool raft in silence - i could easily fill a page with the spots and times that line my memory banks and places very near and dear to my heart - nourishment for the soul.

better still is that i can now turn everyday corners into these same feel-good places. with time that process takes less props and pieces, less sounds and atmospheric helpers. it seems that the process of turning a room or spot on the grass into a contemplative or meditative space is internal. whether that comes with age, or growth, whether it's standard or a gift - i'll take it!

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2012

went to see Les Miserables yesterday (actually, went TWICE) and was extremely happy to see that it translated well to the film genre. because it was very well cast with actors who felt their roles, i was in the streets of France during a time of upheaval, blood, and courage of conviction.

couldn't help but feel this morning the extreme gratitude that my life is so far away from those depicted yesterday. because it was so easy from my theater seat to feel the grit of the gutter and the desperation of those stranded there, when i woke up in my bed, in my room, in my house, on my block, in my city, in my state, in my country and in my time, i was overcome with the true meaning of the phrase "There, but for the grace of God..." so, in my typical "creative comfort zone", i decided to make another list. not of resolutions (although i have many), but of the things big and small that come to mind when i give thanks.

- that i was born in the USA where the conditions are worlds away from those i read about and know exist in other places

- that my family consists of people i would CHOOSE to be with should i not be related

- that at 48 years old, i found someone who cares for and comforts me, who knows what to do when i don't, and that for better or for worse vowed to share his life with me

- that i also, at 48, "inherited" a family of which i am proud and happy to be a part

- that my extreme love of animals has been fulfilled by the gazes of my beautiful pets who have loved me and have brought indescribable comfort

- that i possess the ability to see, hear, smell, feel, articulate, participate, and all the other physical and mental blessings that have been granted me

- that despite it being overwhelming at times, i enjoy the way i make my living

- that i have come to, over these years, a comfort level with myself and my capabilities

- that i can feel joy, even at the smallest, silliest things

and right now, at this table at coco's, that food is available, plentiful and obtainable in the place and the life that i live. that the new year will continue to bring blessings and happiness to my life, i toast to a happy 2013.

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and now a word from our sponsor...

commercials. for every funny one there are 3 really insulting ones and two simply disturbing ones. the corndog slapping a guy's face, talking bleach bottles, mops falling in love, dirt balls waiting for a dust wand, flo, people eating junk food and acting like it's the best choice we could make. dancing fruit, creepy kings and talking heads. over the years there have been SO many 30 second spots that inspired and disapponted.

remember the 60 second spots? then there was a phase where they would play back-to-back on one product, fill a 60 second spot with two 30 second ads. i LOVE watching the old ones, ones that took the nation's temperature with the latest products. great theme songs that we've been singing for years - teaching the world to sing or sounding off components of a burger. how much time have we spent watching ads? now we don't even see them, pass right by them with the push of a button. every time i wonder how any money is made when that happens. sponsors? is anyone sponsoring them now? if you're lost, follow the burma shave signs.

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