in my head

ahhh the search for the perfect resting spot. for my mind that is. i can honestly say that now more than ever i enjoy my time and journeys alone. or with friends/family that come along for their own peace and not to impede mine. the perfect settings are those that include water: stream, ocean, lake, and/or shade trees and green, lush grass. sand is good, or rocks with perfect sitting grooves, a hammock or two, a fire. good thoughts, a nice snack or beverage, some kick-back friends gazing at the same spot as i. a book works too, something i can get lost in or that inspires me, most times a spiral notebook and good pen are must-haves.

the line "go to your happy place" was used a lot years ago to distract from stress or fear. i have been blessed with too many "happy places" to count. looking over the railing of a cruise ship at the dark ocean, on a lone bench in a woodsy park, sitting just outside a memorial stupa on a high mountain, walking along a beach at sunset, near a campfire, floating on a pool raft in silence - i could easily fill a page with the spots and times that line my memory banks and places very near and dear to my heart - nourishment for the soul.

better still is that i can now turn everyday corners into these same feel-good places. with time that process takes less props and pieces, less sounds and atmospheric helpers. it seems that the process of turning a room or spot on the grass into a contemplative or meditative space is internal. whether that comes with age, or growth, whether it's standard or a gift - i'll take it!

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2012

went to see Les Miserables yesterday (actually, went TWICE) and was extremely happy to see that it translated well to the film genre. because it was very well cast with actors who felt their roles, i was in the streets of France during a time of upheaval, blood, and courage of conviction.

couldn't help but feel this morning the extreme gratitude that my life is so far away from those depicted yesterday. because it was so easy from my theater seat to feel the grit of the gutter and the desperation of those stranded there, when i woke up in my bed, in my room, in my house, on my block, in my city, in my state, in my country and in my time, i was overcome with the true meaning of the phrase "There, but for the grace of God..." so, in my typical "creative comfort zone", i decided to make another list. not of resolutions (although i have many), but of the things big and small that come to mind when i give thanks.

- that i was born in the USA where the conditions are worlds away from those i read about and know exist in other places

- that my family consists of people i would CHOOSE to be with should i not be related

- that at 48 years old, i found someone who cares for and comforts me, who knows what to do when i don't, and that for better or for worse vowed to share his life with me

- that i also, at 48, "inherited" a family of which i am proud and happy to be a part

- that my extreme love of animals has been fulfilled by the gazes of my beautiful pets who have loved me and have brought indescribable comfort

- that i possess the ability to see, hear, smell, feel, articulate, participate, and all the other physical and mental blessings that have been granted me

- that despite it being overwhelming at times, i enjoy the way i make my living

- that i have come to, over these years, a comfort level with myself and my capabilities

- that i can feel joy, even at the smallest, silliest things

and right now, at this table at coco's, that food is available, plentiful and obtainable in the place and the life that i live. that the new year will continue to bring blessings and happiness to my life, i toast to a happy 2013.

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and now a word from our sponsor...

commercials. for every funny one there are 3 really insulting ones and two simply disturbing ones. the corndog slapping a guy's face, talking bleach bottles, mops falling in love, dirt balls waiting for a dust wand, flo, people eating junk food and acting like it's the best choice we could make. dancing fruit, creepy kings and talking heads. over the years there have been SO many 30 second spots that inspired and disapponted.

remember the 60 second spots? then there was a phase where they would play back-to-back on one product, fill a 60 second spot with two 30 second ads. i LOVE watching the old ones, ones that took the nation's temperature with the latest products. great theme songs that we've been singing for years - teaching the world to sing or sounding off components of a burger. how much time have we spent watching ads? now we don't even see them, pass right by them with the push of a button. every time i wonder how any money is made when that happens. sponsors? is anyone sponsoring them now? if you're lost, follow the burma shave signs.

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if only

hopeful. someone so strong who has done so much without a net. she leans on others, some she shouldn't, and always leads with her emotions. i've watched her through some precarious situtions. i didn't like her choices, resented her intrusion, then she became a friend. then she became family. i can't say "daughter" because i'm really so unfamiliar with what that would feel like that i have nothing to compare. maybe that's the way my sister feels when she snuggles with my neice. that the feeling is unlike any other she's ever felt, because before this, she didn't know what it would feel like either.

when she calls for an ear, a shoulder, some distraction, kinship and dare i say advice, i know that it's important i don't just roll into the place i go when i talk to friends with my similar experiences, older friends, without the same trust or willingness to follow. yet on many occasions the inability to go where i steer her because the pull to the comfortable path is just too great. thank God that comfortable psth has taken a turn away from lost. i always say i'm too smart for drugs, that their world would scare me away. another part of me thinks that it's all in what's "normal". the path that's shown as just another road and not somewhere that nobody should go, in fact family members and friends are there, calling you over, saying "it's great over here!". i have to admit that if that's what was shown to me, i may have just followed without asking. like she did.

when i see now the raw emotion that she shares, the places she'll go in her heart and, while worrying that it may just break, goes there anyway. when she says that she sees me as a mother figure, instead of being choked up and/or overcome with emotion all i feel is shock that someone would see me that way. i have a small glimpse into what she was masking, almost a protection of sorts, from the sadness and heartache that can happen in the days and nights of a life fully lived. loneliness, depression, fear, insecurity, inability, i imagine all leave when you ingest the mask and abandon the escape. and yet here she is, trying to cope sober and wide open to all the hurt and pain. where i didn't have ANY compassion to those who took the wrong path, never thought they lost their way, but deliberately turned, took the pill, prepared the needle, in hopes of feeling something other than what the rest of us live. life can be mundane, messy, scary, lonely, along with all the wonderful possibilites and feelings come the ones we don't want - it's rather brave to choose to bear them, to force through them. and here she is, still facing the fears, guiding her little girl through them, always close and protective, about to take steps that nobody should ever have to take. the path is set, it's lined with people holding hands to form a protective fence that is hoped to be a barrier between her and the wrong people, places and decisions, and i am proud to say that i'm right there next to her dad and the rest of us who want to guide her to where she needs to be. still scared of saying the wrong thing or steering the wheel just a bit to hard, she's my daughter. and that's my job.

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just me and my hot blonde

struggling to pick up a penny, under the table, halfway into the bushes, i swear i'm picking it up just for luck. honestly. not that i really care what the folks that share the patio think - good or bad i was never one to worry about that - but more like how it made ME feel. knowing so much about folks struggling in today's economy, both here and around the globe, i do stop to think how many people would dive for that penny out of necessity. we know ALL about it all now, and i almost wish we didn't. yes, for my own sanity i'm very guilty of hiding my head in the sand, at least for awhile.

but i digress, BIG TIME. i came here to starbucks hoping to leave my blues on this patio. what better than some blog therapy. a good old-fashioned dump onto a blank screen. TRYING to avoid the edit & re-edit monsters i want to get this down "au natural". and it's really hard. typing it out is one thing, pressing that "publish blog" is yet another. writing for the reader? guilty. feeling bad about feeling bad? guilty. i worry about everything i say, write, read. we have so much, so many advantages that others don't have. i feel TOTALLY guilty expressing a mood or a feeling other than YAY! i have a job, a home, friends, family, and i try to express those thoughts i really do.

but then there comes a day like today following a night like last night. little plans that go awry, little disappointments in the grand scheme of a good life. i'm indulging that today, after this very long disclaimer, AND publishing it for the random reader to take.

so, here i am with my hot blonde (i really thought i was clever ordering that, but i'm sure i'm far from the only one) and my heated breakfast bun. ok, you can yell at me later for the sugar and cholesterol intake but day-am! therapy never tasted so good. hopefully the day will be spent with a caring hubby, good friends, and an ever-forgiving family, i KNOW i'm very lucky. call me redundant disclaimer woman. yet here i am manuevering the edge of sadness and a just plain bad mood. i'm glad i came here. a shady patio, happy people chatting, real conversations not just those "like, like, like" speaking tweens. no dangling participles, no punctuating "at" at the end of every sentence. feels good - i'm happy to have gotten this group of folks as my background noise. the strip-mall version of a neighborhood coffee house, this has been a mood-lifter on more than a few occasions.

my mind is everywhere - being the main reason i invite the monsters to polish up my jibberish before publishing - but i have to say it's starting to turn toward the light. the frivolous, the happy! mood-lifter! i'm glad i found you. AND there's a dollar tree right across the small parking lot. cheap retail therapy, here i come!

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pie

i love history. the thought that all the things we know today (or their predecessors) were invented out of necessity, desire, or just plain creativity. lately, when i look at something that is so commonplace i barely notice it, i like to look up its origins. so, while sitting at Marie Callendars today i looked up how pie came to be.

when long journeys were taken, and pottery wasn't disposable or abundant, or even easy to carry, an early form of pastry was invented to carry meats or sweets along. all sorts of pies were mentioned throughout history, seemingly beginnig with the greeks, and passed along and re-invented in many forms. I read that the first pie "shells" were hard and almost inedible, serving more as a baking dish than a crust. once the innards were eaten by a wealthy family, the hard crust that had soaked up the juices or gravies of what was in them were given to the beggars. no matter how hard it was, i bet it was good.

the strangest thing i read was that animals were often added so they could surprise the folks cutting open the pie. a hole was cut in the bottom of the crust and birds were stuffed into it - "four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie". but they didn't stop at birds. apparently the animals got larger, even a dwarf jumped out of one pie shell to entertain royalty.

one recipe referred to making a "bullet-proof dough", another referenced baking in a round pan to literally "cut corners" and stretch the expensive filling to cover the bottom crust. Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) was apparently depressed so a long-standing member of his family's staff made sure that a huckleberry pie and milk set on ice were there for him to eat every day. No doubt the character HuckleBerry Finn wasn't unrelated.

it seems bizarre to me NOT to wonder what started or created something that we use in everyday life, things we see, eat, touch, they all have a history that includes someone coming up with an idea that most likely was so far-fetched that it met resistance. hard to imagine in today's society - the invention of a pie vs. an operating system. it seems that whenever the world MUST've invented just about everything there is to invent, something new comes along that we can't imagine living without.

next time you look across the table or the room at something that seems incredibly ordinary, look up its history. it might just be a fascinating story.

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imagine that your footprints left a small symbol of your life when ever they touched the ground. everywhere you went.

imagine something like google earth going futher and further away, your trails get smaller and smaller, like a small chain circling the earth. starting and stopping as the land does, popping up on one shore disappearing from another.

imagine now that each place you stopped a little pop-up with a picture of something from the moment in that place or time. a portrait here, a scene there, a major event has a star by it. what would your map look like? have you gone to the places and made all the memories, saw all the scenery and had all the moments you'd like?

think of what your print symbol would be - something that will be seen by others as they walk by. how many times your loved ones' paths cross over or walk next to your chain.

where have you left your prints?

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