just me and my hot blonde

struggling to pick up a penny, under the table, halfway into the bushes, i swear i'm picking it up just for luck. honestly. not that i really care what the folks that share the patio think - good or bad i was never one to worry about that - but more like how it made ME feel. knowing so much about folks struggling in today's economy, both here and around the globe, i do stop to think how many people would dive for that penny out of necessity. we know ALL about it all now, and i almost wish we didn't. yes, for my own sanity i'm very guilty of hiding my head in the sand, at least for awhile.

but i digress, BIG TIME. i came here to starbucks hoping to leave my blues on this patio. what better than some blog therapy. a good old-fashioned dump onto a blank screen. TRYING to avoid the edit & re-edit monsters i want to get this down "au natural". and it's really hard. typing it out is one thing, pressing that "publish blog" is yet another. writing for the reader? guilty. feeling bad about feeling bad? guilty. i worry about everything i say, write, read. we have so much, so many advantages that others don't have. i feel TOTALLY guilty expressing a mood or a feeling other than YAY! i have a job, a home, friends, family, and i try to express those thoughts i really do.

but then there comes a day like today following a night like last night. little plans that go awry, little disappointments in the grand scheme of a good life. i'm indulging that today, after this very long disclaimer, AND publishing it for the random reader to take.

so, here i am with my hot blonde (i really thought i was clever ordering that, but i'm sure i'm far from the only one) and my heated breakfast bun. ok, you can yell at me later for the sugar and cholesterol intake but day-am! therapy never tasted so good. hopefully the day will be spent with a caring hubby, good friends, and an ever-forgiving family, i KNOW i'm very lucky. call me redundant disclaimer woman. yet here i am manuevering the edge of sadness and a just plain bad mood. i'm glad i came here. a shady patio, happy people chatting, real conversations not just those "like, like, like" speaking tweens. no dangling participles, no punctuating "at" at the end of every sentence. feels good - i'm happy to have gotten this group of folks as my background noise. the strip-mall version of a neighborhood coffee house, this has been a mood-lifter on more than a few occasions.

my mind is everywhere - being the main reason i invite the monsters to polish up my jibberish before publishing - but i have to say it's starting to turn toward the light. the frivolous, the happy! mood-lifter! i'm glad i found you. AND there's a dollar tree right across the small parking lot. cheap retail therapy, here i come!

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pie

i love history. the thought that all the things we know today (or their predecessors) were invented out of necessity, desire, or just plain creativity. lately, when i look at something that is so commonplace i barely notice it, i like to look up its origins. so, while sitting at Marie Callendars today i looked up how pie came to be.

when long journeys were taken, and pottery wasn't disposable or abundant, or even easy to carry, an early form of pastry was invented to carry meats or sweets along. all sorts of pies were mentioned throughout history, seemingly beginnig with the greeks, and passed along and re-invented in many forms. I read that the first pie "shells" were hard and almost inedible, serving more as a baking dish than a crust. once the innards were eaten by a wealthy family, the hard crust that had soaked up the juices or gravies of what was in them were given to the beggars. no matter how hard it was, i bet it was good.

the strangest thing i read was that animals were often added so they could surprise the folks cutting open the pie. a hole was cut in the bottom of the crust and birds were stuffed into it - "four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie". but they didn't stop at birds. apparently the animals got larger, even a dwarf jumped out of one pie shell to entertain royalty.

one recipe referred to making a "bullet-proof dough", another referenced baking in a round pan to literally "cut corners" and stretch the expensive filling to cover the bottom crust. Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) was apparently depressed so a long-standing member of his family's staff made sure that a huckleberry pie and milk set on ice were there for him to eat every day. No doubt the character HuckleBerry Finn wasn't unrelated.

it seems bizarre to me NOT to wonder what started or created something that we use in everyday life, things we see, eat, touch, they all have a history that includes someone coming up with an idea that most likely was so far-fetched that it met resistance. hard to imagine in today's society - the invention of a pie vs. an operating system. it seems that whenever the world MUST've invented just about everything there is to invent, something new comes along that we can't imagine living without.

next time you look across the table or the room at something that seems incredibly ordinary, look up its history. it might just be a fascinating story.

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imagine that your footprints left a small symbol of your life when ever they touched the ground. everywhere you went.

imagine something like google earth going futher and further away, your trails get smaller and smaller, like a small chain circling the earth. starting and stopping as the land does, popping up on one shore disappearing from another.

imagine now that each place you stopped a little pop-up with a picture of something from the moment in that place or time. a portrait here, a scene there, a major event has a star by it. what would your map look like? have you gone to the places and made all the memories, saw all the scenery and had all the moments you'd like?

think of what your print symbol would be - something that will be seen by others as they walk by. how many times your loved ones' paths cross over or walk next to your chain.

where have you left your prints?

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the price of freedom

there are few things i like more than free time. one of the most marked differences between children/teens and adults is their use and appreciation of free time. being a non-parent, the debate continues to surface in my family as to who wants/needs/craves free time more - the mother or the career woman whose day is all about deadlines and unanswered e-mail. a much different type of chaos surrounds a mother, catching their small children as they run by to throw a piece of clothing on them or brush their hair, or later catching those same children as they run out the door to the mall with their friends to make sure they have money in their pocket or the appropriaqte clothing. i get it, i really do. but i can counter with 15-hour workdays spent in front of a computer screen not wanting to stop even for lunch.

for me, free time is not only something to be savored but also something to be spent wisely. this morning i opted for sitting in the sun watching the dogs be dogs. laptops can extend the creative process outside of the house or office. inspiration while in a beach or lawn chair just seems to feel better than at a desk. me surounded by a white picket fence and green grass works quite differently than me in a desk chair under florescent lights. ideas seem to come more easily. for that matter so does a nap. it continues to baffle me how a teenager can walk by a lemon tree filled with blossoms or sit in a cool breeze on a summer day without even noticing the simple joy found in both. funny, a child notices their surroundings, can be fascinated by a leaf or an ant hill, a teenager more often than not is oblivious to the beauty around them, unless it's a fashionable purse in a store window or the latest gaming graphics. after a long period of running around, be it after children or to your next meeting, it's time to start noticing simple things again. the sound of birds chirping or the smell of fresh cut grass, a butterfly on a colorful flower or the perfect wave rolling up onto the sand, more often than not these brings me back to a memory of the last time those things meant something. the last time days stretched endless and sitting on the curb was a pastime. the days before desks and bosses, deadlines and power point presentations. sure school was challenging, but mostly felt like a social life with work thrown in vs. office life with hard work with a bit of social life thrown in. if you're lucky to work somewhere that you'd even want to get to know those around you that is.

and so, the debate rages on. except i'm always stopped dead mid-argument when a mother of small children says "well, at least you can go to the bathroom alone". gotta give 'em that, shuts me up every time.

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one strand at a time

day one
breakfast: a pear.

i know how to do this, the proof there is that i've done it. i know what i need, don't need, should eat, shouldn't eat. ugh. i get it, i really do.

then why is it so damned HARD?

i don't want my life to be a literal living hell but that's what happens to a foodie when the time has (more than) come to shed the weight AND the very bad health habits. i can eat healthy, i can. but when the family pasta meal comes around and most if not all of that meal is based solely on fat and carbs, all the willpower in the world couldn't stop me from the gargantuan pile of pasta, crunchy garlic bread, and sinful italian dessert. the latter is usually tirimisu and i defy anyone to locate any sort of low-fat mascarpone. italians are NOT known calorie/carb counters.

take a few small bites you say? just indulge once every few weeks or so? remember now, you're talking to a girl who started out as someone whose mom used to put rocks in her pockets on windy days. yes, i'm very serious, ask my mom. a girl who formed her eating habits around trying to escape the jokes (do you have to run around in the shower just to get wet?) and to look more like the popular girls with the curves. yes, back in the seventies curves were infinitely more desirable than emaciation much to my dismay. tell that to a teen today and they will walk away slowly hoping you aren't going to attack them because obviously you are running from men in white coats.

i love my relatives dearly. but when 2 or 3 older italian women would shake their heads at me as i dished out my spaghetti at gramma's eatfests and tell me to be careful because i don't exactly come from "skinny people" i guess i should've seen it coming. i could swear i recently saw one of those same women smirking silently as i put a piece of lean turkey and some cherry tomatoes on my plate. yeah, i know. payback's a bitch.

i can say that i like my spaghetti so much that i'm willing to swallow large pills, to prick my fingers & draw blood multiple times a day, to pull out a dress and gasp at the thought of subjecting anyone to even the THOUGHT of me in it. i shouldn't say it, but i can.

that's the change i'm seeking. to turn all of that around and put the stair-master, sugar-free jello and egg whites on my list of very favorites and remove warm iced cinnamon rolls, cheese-laden nachos and yes, large steaming piles of perfectly sauced spaghetti.

is it all worth it? of course it is. of course it is. say it with me mantra-style: of course it is. if you don't believe me, ask the girl with rocks in her pockets.

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it's a brand new year, time to do the resolution thing. the ones that come to mind are the same ones that fail each year so it's hard to take them seriously. this time i've decided to pick only those that come directly from mistakes i've made and lessons i've learned in the old year.

take friendships for example. good ones, bad ones, old ones, new ones - i'm sorting through them all. a friendship can end just because it's time. no, really, it can and should. no need to hold on after it's become an obligation and listening to the opinions of others on whether to keep or dump just confuses things. when you're not having fun anymore it's time to go.

friends who listen as well as talk are worth their weight in brownies. if someone dominates your time together with every detail of their life it can feel like watching a bad television show when the remote is just out of reach. asking how you're doing then talking over your answer just doesn't spell sincerity.

according to the dictionary, there IS a difference. a FRIEND is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. an ACQUAINTANCE is someone recognized by sight or someone known, but not intimately. for me, the line that separates the two has been as defined as a shadow. it's time to trace over shadows with an extra bold sharpie. after years of making wonderful friends out of co-workers, i've come to realize those times are more than over. with responsibility comes great clarity: co-workers are aquaintances and should remain that way. the lessons i've learned from my mistakes in that area could fill lake tahoe.

BALANCE is a word that's kicked around alot lately. work / home / school / friends / family / yeesh! our lives are so much fuller than they used to be and i haven't even begun to master the art of anything resembling balance. i'd like to make it happen, even if i have to make a time grid to do it. since goals are often financial in nature, to me that says "work harder" which can REALLY mess up this equation. instead i'd like to add "work better" as a goal this year. spending an hour on a task that can be done in 10 minutes often just has to do with brain traffic. think clearly - another goal.

give advice ONLY when asked and judge ONLY when my opinion is relevant. if it's none of my business, i'd like to keep it that way. i've spent way too much time on things that don't require my input. oh, and don't fight someone else's opinion - it's theirs to keep. as is mine.

there are always the standard goals that i just can't ignore - love with all you have. DON'T hold back if the prize is worth it, DO hold back if it's just not there. instead of strict health regimens that will last until the end of february (if i'm lucky), add more vegetables & fruit to my diet, schedule more long walks (i love those) and keep the pasta to a minimum. that last one's a killer.

schedule a chat with myself at the end of each month in pen, no cancellations allowed. that's 12 times this year to assess whether or not i've made any progress and 12 opportunities to put myself back on track.

that "life is short" has become a cliche. based on the growing number of folks who've left my life, i'd have to agree. the challenge here is to keep that in mind when things get hectic or during times when family and close friends are just plain crabby. it's hard for me to remind myself to treasure loved ones while they're here since i start bawling immediately at the thought of them gone. note to self: that's not productive so cut it out.

worry is really hard on the soul. i'd like to reset my trigger so that worrying turns into action. if i can make some preparation in case whatever i'm worried about happens, do it. if there is nothing i can do, snuff out the worry quickly. one of the loftier goals for sure, but also one of the most important ones. i heard somewhere that a 100-yr old man was asked the secret of his longevity. his answer? "when it rains, i let it". here's to letting it rain in 2012!

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i do

in-laws can be at best comfortable, at worst assholes. i know. my earlier ones brought along lots of drama, confusion, and attitude. oh, there were some fun times but some really difficult ones as well. i'm sure i added to the chaos at times but in a scene like that who would notice?

they talked about the hubby's old girlfriends "he was so much in love and was devastated when she left him" gee, did i REALLY need to know that? they asked for money, got jealous if one of their deadbeat boyfriends looked at me, made my relatives feel unwelcome and they conversed in spanish without considering i might want to join in - hell, even understand their conversations. they showed up at the door and stayed for months - "oh, didn't your husband tell you we were coming?" ummmm, no. a physical fight actually broke out at a wedding of all places. I could go on but i won't because this story has a happy ending.

eventually there was a feeling of incredible relief that i didn't have children who would have learned bad manners and unsavory behavior on weekends with their dad and his family.

present day: my in-laws are funny, always make me feel welcome and there is NO drama. on the few occasions where i got a little bitchy, they didn't give advice, didn't judge, and didn't seem to mind at all. sure there are ex-wives, but the current ones are always given the right of way and any scars left behind don't show up at family gatherings.

oh, and there are theme parties. let's see - a white trash party complete with cheese whiz and spam, an 80's party with big hair and cheesy make-up, a 50th birthday with geriatric gifts and white hair, a toga party where sheets tried but didn't quite make a Roman fashion statement, a luau with tropical drinks and sarongs and super bowl parties with crazy ways to pick next years teams. there are ghoul pools, wine-tastings, and just all-around good times. people get thrown in the pool, ride piggyback, play cards, dominos and beer pong.

yep, i lucked out allright. i think a 70's theme party might be in order and we all know what that means. the brady bunch is alive and well and living in our family.

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