eluding madness

Time

>> Sunday, September 17, 2023 – time

"the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time" ~ James Taylor

the concept of time is a mystery. no matter how hard i try i can't wrap my head around it. how it happens, why, when - you name it, i'm trying to figure it out. time goes by slowly in the moment but quickly when the moment's over. a day spent languishing is never long enough. it seems like i have hours to go, then all of a sudden it's over. i don't get that never-ending day feeling unless i'm working, then it's "will this day ever end?"

"we may never pass this way again" ~ Seals & Crofts

i often think about stopping time. if i had that ability, in which moments would i choose to linger? at a concert recently, Tommy Shaw, the feeling and artistry of the singer and the songs, left me wanting to feel it for hours longer. that empty feeling when the moment has passed and you're left waiting for more. i started to think, where would i stop time if i could, what moments would i preserve. the trouble with that thinking is that times often seem commonplace when you're in them. they don't seem as special until life has changed and gone past the simpler times. i know now which ones i would've liked to savour but didn't know at the time.

"old days, good times i remember" ~ Chicago

when our schedules get crowded it seems there's never enough time. again, the concept eludes me. yes, i know, the cycle of life - birth, life, death - but what does that mean. you live a big part of life without the loved ones you treasured. you know that if you could stop time, you would choose moments wisely and those with lost loved ones are first on the list. but would you know to stop it? when they are old or sick it's logical to think that way. but time spent with those same folks when they're young and healthy or those who are taken too early, time spent with them may be one of those commonplace feelings that don't merit a second thought, that don't make the list of where to stop.

"if i could turn back time" ~ Cher

so i'm left with the same dilemma - where would i pull the plug on moving on quickly to the next moment. which moments deserve that privilege. savour times past or preserve the present because i'm painfully aware of where it all ends. back to the concert. somehow i know that it made the list. that the feeling i had during those moments was one i needed to last longer. back to the concept of time and the mystery it holds.

writing while mad

i tell people that after i'm gone, someone is going to get an earful (or an eyeful actually). i have SO many journals and anything with pages that i've turned into journals that, like i said, someone will find out a lot more about me than they intended. unless i somehow dispose of them before then which is about as likely as the proverbial flying pigs. one of the downsides of journaling your feelings is that your feelings actually do get journaled. and when i'm most likely to need an outlet is when i'm spilling over with thought. sometimes it's happy happy joy joy, others a cathartic release about something playing in my head. and then there are times when i'm downright mad. yep. when i feel like hurling those feelings at their target, sometimes (not always by any means) writing them out seems like the option that just may keep the peace. so i spill. what they did, how it made me feel, how they could've acted differently, on, on, on. oh that felt good. i can now walk back into the arena without my gloves on. and the page gets lost among all the others. until there it is, at some future date. for whatever reason it's there and i'm reading. it could be over someone long gone from my life but i'm right back in that moment, totally pissed off. and you know what? he or she really was an asshole, most likely a BIG reason why they no longer inhabit my space. i've never been one of those with a "gratitude" journal or putting any name to a space that i feel should be unbridled. except i do write down my dreams on a separate space for whatever reason. maybe it's because they are so utterly bizarre that i want them to have a place where they can exist separate from reality. but the mad gets mixed in with all the other reality, on whatever page in whatever book is handy.should probably create a journal for madness only and once released those pages need to leave at some point. either when the object of the fury is no longer around so there isn't any way those feelings can spring back to life through random page-turning. or better yet when the anger has subsided and i'm back spending good times with whoever-it-is. it's a good idea and one i should definitely implement, unfortunately it sits with al the other ideas with good intention but not enough action. how about a "good idea" journal? sounds like, well, a good idea.

Mind Games

Funny how little some people know about me. lately I’ve been pulling these old stories out of my head in conversation and surprising myself thinking that people who’ve known me for years don’t know

Reynolds & Reynolds. For the rich bitch Gold opened at 400% over market today. 1979 Dave Greenwood. So funny, I was the rich bitch?

Weekend in vegas. Ed likes the smokey, dusty dimly-lit rooms full of gambling people. He likes to drink and gamble. Funny, I remember having gone through a few phases like that – in my 20s, stay at the blackjack table until 2am. Tidal winnings – up / down / up / down – hopefully leaving with more. But not much so it may not have been worth the price of the experience.

It used to be such a grownup thing to do. Walk up to a blackjack table and plunk down your $20. Tommy used to say that the dealers just LOOOOOVED those "girls with their 20’s”. He said that was their bread and butter. It seems you have to have money to make money. Or win money. And I never went in with anything. I just couldn’t imagine saving money to gamble. Or give it away. I’d rather have something to show for it. Through my husband though, I’ve come to understand that someone who considers that atmosphere akin to entertainment. Like a dinner and a concert. I’ve never balked at that before so maybe I can see how it could be viewed as something to save for.

Desert, tumbleweeds. Always feels the same driving through. I always wonder how it feels to live here. Or there. Especially in a foreign country, I don’t know why I find it so hard to wrap my head around it. These people think this is perfectly normal. Like the woman in the water taxi. Surrounded by the glory of Bora Bora, I asked her if she knew just how beautiful it all is. How does it feel to live with such beauty? She looked at me sorta strange and half-shrugged her shoulders. It’s just home to me.

Some moments stick in your mind for no apparent reason. You forget so many things. Moreso as you age. Even what you had for breakfast. Yet the moments are still there. The same ones. And they pop up at the strangest times. It doesn’t have to be anything necessarily monumental or even all that special. But for some reason durable.

Reynolds & Reynolds.

More stream...

disclaimer (since i always seem to have one these days): new day, new blog. trying for stream of conciousness, dump on screen if you will. not likely to be very uplifting, i'm in one of "those" moods today. mood disorders are a bitch. they can be exhasperating to say the least. to those who have to put up with me on a daily basis, i salute you.

it's amazing how different each day can feel. to me, the weather just feels swampy. a friend on facebook posted that it reminds her of being in the bahamas and she loves it. if i got to choose, which some say i do but it's hard to believe sometimes, i would pick the tropical memory over the cursed sticky air. all in how you see it.

take my job for instance. i am gainfully employed and VERY grateful to be so. that said, the difference between how i feel there from one day to the next is staggering. since i'm not doing any good for the world or those in it, it almost always feels pointless. i often feel underappreciated or completely overlooked. then a day comes along where i feel accomplished and proud, but more often then not there's just too much to do to ever finish anything, too many e-mails to answer, too many steps to solve a problem and too many people who need something from me.

then, there are the interviews. an open position in a desirable company is scarce these days. still, i'd like to hire the best possible person so that means weeding through candidates who just want to get their "foot in the door" at "the studios". ugh. when i hear that my mind almost always goes: NEXT. "i can do anything someone throws at me", "i'm a team player", "i have excellent customer service skills"....on and on, platitudes, cliches, one to the next. i've learned long ago that to glean a person's true ability and demeanor from a 1/2 hour conversation is next to impossible. and yet both of those qualities are critical to how i feel about my job from day to day.

as usual, as i'm writing this i'm seeing the obvious lesson that i've missed. since that's often what journaling is supposed to do, and what is blogging but public journaling, i feel proud that i push myself to do this since so many people don't. this particular lesson says clearly that i can't control the factors that are outside of my control, that come from circumstance or from others' contribution to my world. it feels so much to me like i have some control, but for the most part i don't have much. i've heard this, over and over, that i can only change or should worry about what i can control and let the rest take care of itself. that others' actions aren't under my control, but my REactions are.

to apply this lesson is my challenge for today. if it were my only challenge, i'd be a very lucky gal.

the five things i learned by staying home

the FIVE things this career girl has learned by being a housewife:

not by choice mind you but by life tide, I've worked steadily and completely for the last 35 years. being in the entertainment industry the jobs have their own special kind of urgency - EGO-driven urgency. so-and-so wants this RIGHT NOW or there will be wrath like no other. okay, so I've faced many of those situations with my own brand of whatever, I always though I wanted so badly to be home making a nest for my family.

but, at the age of 57, here comes the completely unexpected. a company owner SO obsessed with owning his company that he flies non-stop, takes 3 breakfast meetings on a slow day and is a self-professed 3-hour per night sleeper, decides to sell the company that we all hold fast to. and I find myself in completely uncharted territory. the last time I had any length of time off was in the early 80s when I moved across country to be with my then-boyfriend whose firefighting kept him away for 3-4 days at a time. different times, different state, different girl. so it's safe to say that this was completely uncharted waters.

not counting the life-affirming trip I took to Colorado to renew spirit and focus, it's been just TWO WEEKS after returning home and i'm discovering what works/doesn't work about being home for a living. mostly coming to me on a date my husband proposed to get me out of the house.

1) social media is a godsend - while in Colorado, I found myself surrounded by non-social-media-loving folks. so, my take-a-picture-of-my-dinner-and-post-it behavior was not normal. usually not one to take the advice of others to heart so easily, this was told to me by my long-time mentor and friend, one of the 2 or 3 people on this planet whose advice I covet, said to me in a very nice way that they haven't been around anyone so enthusiastically connected. i'm paraphrasing but that's the picture I got in my mind while hearing the words - some bouncy child-like person-thing shouting "look what i'm doing!" at the top of my lungs ALL THE TIME. also I realized that while I was doing that, I wasn't fully present in the moment and I had looked SO forward to this time with her and in her life that I put the phone aside. being a total all-or-nothing girl I didn't look back for the rest of the trip. no more posting, checking in, commenting - nada. it helped that the scenery was breathtaking and that I began a crochet project shortly after getting there. read: total nesting. I found my life was so much more uncomplicated not listening to everyone's opinion all the time. and during a particularly grating election on me and the country I didn't miss the political bickering either. habit unformed. after I got home I continued to leave it off my agenda. didn't even check in. was tempted once while making jam with a friend (bucket list item - checked) to post pictures of the process but she told me I wouldn't have time during the making. who was she kidding, I could've taken pictures and posted them with my toes if I wanted to. while out on the "discovery date" i'm calling it, one epiphany was that I MISSED the support I got from old/new/re-discovered friends. I had posted a very short "did ya miss me?" post a few days earlier and forgotten to check whether it had gotten responses. checking while out to dinner I discovered that I MISSED the support I got from old/new/re-discovered friends. the people who responded to that roll call were folks I wouldn't have thought to call or text directly but the responses made me tear up a bit. they were still there.

2) a new and tasty successful casserole recipe cooked to perfection does not equal the satisfaction you get when you:

hire an incredible individual
implement a new process/procedure/system successfully
get a nod of approval from a boss or equivalent

it just isn't the same. and expecting that same level of kudos from the husband tasting same casserole just brings on a disagreement

3) you can very easily drive yourself crazy from boredom. even if there are 100 things you wanted to get to but couldn't when you were working 45+ hours a week, and you are actively doing them, it's BORING as hell to wash mountains of clothes, scrub the refrigerator or re-organize a crammed closet.

4) even if you think you know YOU, you've never been this YOU before. it's discovery time. for good or bad, getting to know yourself as this NEW person can be painful.

5) prepare to not get any significant resting space. when working, i'd come home and KNEW I deserved a nice rest from all that happened during the day. I was already detached from household chores so I didn't feel like I was letting anyone down. the drill now is that literally any time my butt hit the cushion without a pile of something I was sorting/clearing I felt like I was betraying....something....the house? my husband? myself? after all those years of saying to myself "if I only had the time i'd get ALL of this stuff done", I felt like I should be speeding through the house all the time, every day, doing chore after chore until everything and everyone was spotlessly clean and organized. it doesn't help that I had just returned from a Colorado home that is just that spotless and organized. no really. you could SEE all the things in a cupboard. no five layers of stuff that got shoved in there, nothing in that back row that had far outlasted it's usefulness and was now rusty and dusty (and unnoticed). I will fantasize about being that person until the day I die.

ramble

sitting here getting wisdom and friendship from facebook posts, with my coffee on the deck, it's a ritual i'd like to keep. too many chores, so little time. it's comforting to know that i have such a group of bright, insightful, funny friends. from the gamut of my life and beyond. i've been blocked lately - that feeling that you want to write but can't possibly think of what to say. then it comes out - first in wordy posts to others, then on to something i can share. i look up at my rusty old windchimes from the old monastery, so meaningful. i know when the wind blows - when i hear a noise outside and start to worry, the chimes give me comfort knowing it's just a gust of wind. comforting. knowing i can sneak in on my niece or nephew's plans even though i assume they'd MUCH rather be with their friends doing young things. comforting. knowing the shore is just a short drive away (and feeling bad for those for which it is not). i brought work home this weekend and i'm hoping that instead of looking at it as a contributor to burnout, it will be a source of comfort yet again when i examine everything i can do to put right my monday morning. checking in on all facets of life can be time-consuming and stressful when it comes to putting them in the right order, but my vacation taught me that my nesting self is alive and well and was just covered by the dust of a working woman. that making a meal can also feel like finishing a week-long project that i was nervous about but was a source of pride in the end.

that i'm sitting on my deck looking at blue skies and feeling a slight, tepid breeze while others are frozen, so thankful. to be able to go out to the movies with friends and hopefully have a few family members over for dinner the next day, to know that soon my hubby will walk in and start his (hopefully) leisurely saturday with, knowing him, a few chores sprinkled in. trees stretching toward the sky. some manicuring DEFINITELY needed, a little too much overgrowth but hey, i always say i like a victorian-style flora about me, not a fan of the neatly trimmed rose bushes all in a well-planned row.

pause to take a break and check on things in the house - one dog eating a sponge and the other looking at me like "well?" my dogs are a source of great pleasure.

saw a movie last night about two aging fighters duking it out to put a long-term dream to rest. LOVE that these two actors, not young or beautiful as they once were, seemed to enjoy playing roles that were funny, irreverent, and yes, old. a great message that we can, in fact, re-visit old thoughts, feelings and even problems that there is always a chance to set things right. being old enough to recognize bits of classic dialog and moments of throwback to iconic movies from my younger days is something i cherish. i love to make connections to past joys.

in my head

ahhh the search for the perfect resting spot. for my mind that is. i can honestly say that now more than ever i enjoy my time and journeys alone. or with friends/family that come along for their own peace and not to impede mine. the perfect settings are those that include water: stream, ocean, lake, and/or shade trees and green, lush grass. sand is good, or rocks with perfect sitting grooves, a hammock or two, a fire. good thoughts, a nice snack or beverage, some kick-back friends gazing at the same spot as i. a book works too, something i can get lost in or that inspires me, most times a spiral notebook and good pen are must-haves.

the line "go to your happy place" was used a lot years ago to distract from stress or fear. i have been blessed with too many "happy places" to count. looking over the railing of a cruise ship at the dark ocean, on a lone bench in a woodsy park, sitting just outside a memorial stupa on a high mountain, walking along a beach at sunset, near a campfire, floating on a pool raft in silence - i could easily fill a page with the spots and times that line my memory banks and places very near and dear to my heart - nourishment for the soul.

better still is that i can now turn everyday corners into these same feel-good places. with time that process takes less props and pieces, less sounds and atmospheric helpers. it seems that the process of turning a room or spot on the grass into a contemplative or meditative space is internal. whether that comes with age, or growth, whether it's standard or a gift - i'll take it!

2012

went to see Les Miserables yesterday (actually, went TWICE) and was extremely happy to see that it translated well to the film genre. because it was very well cast with actors who felt their roles, i was in the streets of France during a time of upheaval, blood, and courage of conviction.

couldn't help but feel this morning the extreme gratitude that my life is so far away from those depicted yesterday. because it was so easy from my theater seat to feel the grit of the gutter and the desperation of those stranded there, when i woke up in my bed, in my room, in my house, on my block, in my city, in my state, in my country and in my time, i was overcome with the true meaning of the phrase "There, but for the grace of God..." so, in my typical "creative comfort zone", i decided to make another list. not of resolutions (although i have many), but of the things big and small that come to mind when i give thanks.

- that i was born in the USA where the conditions are worlds away from those i read about and know exist in other places

- that my family consists of people i would CHOOSE to be with should i not be related

- that at 48 years old, i found someone who cares for and comforts me, who knows what to do when i don't, and that for better or for worse vowed to share his life with me

- that i also, at 48, "inherited" a family of which i am proud and happy to be a part

- that my extreme love of animals has been fulfilled by the gazes of my beautiful pets who have loved me and have brought indescribable comfort

- that i possess the ability to see, hear, smell, feel, articulate, participate, and all the other physical and mental blessings that have been granted me

- that despite it being overwhelming at times, i enjoy the way i make my living

- that i have come to, over these years, a comfort level with myself and my capabilities

- that i can feel joy, even at the smallest, silliest things

and right now, at this table at coco's, that food is available, plentiful and obtainable in the place and the life that i live. that the new year will continue to bring blessings and happiness to my life, i toast to a happy 2013.

and now a word from our sponsor...

commercials. for every funny one there are 3 really insulting ones and two simply disturbing ones. the corndog slapping a guy's face, talking bleach bottles, mops falling in love, dirt balls waiting for a dust wand, flo, people eating junk food and acting like it's the best choice we could make. dancing fruit, creepy kings and talking heads. over the years there have been SO many 30 second spots that inspired and disapponted.

remember the 60 second spots? then there was a phase where they would play back-to-back on one product, fill a 60 second spot with two 30 second ads. i LOVE watching the old ones, ones that took the nation's temperature with the latest products. great theme songs that we've been singing for years - teaching the world to sing or sounding off components of a burger. how much time have we spent watching ads? now we don't even see them, pass right by them with the push of a button. every time i wonder how any money is made when that happens. sponsors? is anyone sponsoring them now? if you're lost, follow the burma shave signs.

if only

hopeful. someone so strong who has done so much without a net. she leans on others, some she shouldn't, and always leads with her emotions. i've watched her through some precarious situtions. i didn't like her choices, resented her intrusion, then she became a friend. then she became family. i can't say "daughter" because i'm really so unfamiliar with what that would feel like that i have nothing to compare. maybe that's the way my sister feels when she snuggles with my neice. that the feeling is unlike any other she's ever felt, because before this, she didn't know what it would feel like either.

when she calls for an ear, a shoulder, some distraction, kinship and dare i say advice, i know that it's important i don't just roll into the place i go when i talk to friends with my similar experiences, older friends, without the same trust or willingness to follow. yet on many occasions the inability to go where i steer her because the pull to the comfortable path is just too great. thank God that comfortable psth has taken a turn away from lost. i always say i'm too smart for drugs, that their world would scare me away. another part of me thinks that it's all in what's "normal". the path that's shown as just another road and not somewhere that nobody should go, in fact family members and friends are there, calling you over, saying "it's great over here!". i have to admit that if that's what was shown to me, i may have just followed without asking. like she did.

when i see now the raw emotion that she shares, the places she'll go in her heart and, while worrying that it may just break, goes there anyway. when she says that she sees me as a mother figure, instead of being choked up and/or overcome with emotion all i feel is shock that someone would see me that way. i have a small glimpse into what she was masking, almost a protection of sorts, from the sadness and heartache that can happen in the days and nights of a life fully lived. loneliness, depression, fear, insecurity, inability, i imagine all leave when you ingest the mask and abandon the escape. and yet here she is, trying to cope sober and wide open to all the hurt and pain. where i didn't have ANY compassion to those who took the wrong path, never thought they lost their way, but deliberately turned, took the pill, prepared the needle, in hopes of feeling something other than what the rest of us live. life can be mundane, messy, scary, lonely, along with all the wonderful possibilites and feelings come the ones we don't want - it's rather brave to choose to bear them, to force through them. and here she is, still facing the fears, guiding her little girl through them, always close and protective, about to take steps that nobody should ever have to take. the path is set, it's lined with people holding hands to form a protective fence that is hoped to be a barrier between her and the wrong people, places and decisions, and i am proud to say that i'm right there next to her dad and the rest of us who want to guide her to where she needs to be. still scared of saying the wrong thing or steering the wheel just a bit to hard, she's my daughter. and that's my job.

just me and my hot blonde

struggling to pick up a penny, under the table, halfway into the bushes, i swear i'm picking it up just for luck. honestly. not that i really care what the folks that share the patio think - good or bad i was never one to worry about that - but more like how it made ME feel. knowing so much about folks struggling in today's economy, both here and around the globe, i do stop to think how many people would dive for that penny out of necessity. we know ALL about it all now, and i almost wish we didn't. yes, for my own sanity i'm very guilty of hiding my head in the sand, at least for awhile.

but i digress, BIG TIME. i came here to starbucks hoping to leave my blues on this patio. what better than some blog therapy. a good old-fashioned dump onto a blank screen. TRYING to avoid the edit & re-edit monsters i want to get this down "au natural". and it's really hard. typing it out is one thing, pressing that "publish blog" is yet another. writing for the reader? guilty. feeling bad about feeling bad? guilty. i worry about everything i say, write, read. we have so much, so many advantages that others don't have. i feel TOTALLY guilty expressing a mood or a feeling other than YAY! i have a job, a home, friends, family, and i try to express those thoughts i really do.

but then there comes a day like today following a night like last night. little plans that go awry, little disappointments in the grand scheme of a good life. i'm indulging that today, after this very long disclaimer, AND publishing it for the random reader to take.

so, here i am with my hot blonde (i really thought i was clever ordering that, but i'm sure i'm far from the only one) and my heated breakfast bun. ok, you can yell at me later for the sugar and cholesterol intake but day-am! therapy never tasted so good. hopefully the day will be spent with a caring hubby, good friends, and an ever-forgiving family, i KNOW i'm very lucky. call me redundant disclaimer woman. yet here i am manuevering the edge of sadness and a just plain bad mood. i'm glad i came here. a shady patio, happy people chatting, real conversations not just those "like, like, like" speaking tweens. no dangling participles, no punctuating "at" at the end of every sentence. feels good - i'm happy to have gotten this group of folks as my background noise. the strip-mall version of a neighborhood coffee house, this has been a mood-lifter on more than a few occasions.

my mind is everywhere - being the main reason i invite the monsters to polish up my jibberish before publishing - but i have to say it's starting to turn toward the light. the frivolous, the happy! mood-lifter! i'm glad i found you. AND there's a dollar tree right across the small parking lot. cheap retail therapy, here i come!

pie

i love history. the thought that all the things we know today (or their predecessors) were invented out of necessity, desire, or just plain creativity. lately, when i look at something that is so commonplace i barely notice it, i like to look up its origins. so, while sitting at Marie Callendars today i looked up how pie came to be.

when long journeys were taken, and pottery wasn't disposable or abundant, or even easy to carry, an early form of pastry was invented to carry meats or sweets along. all sorts of pies were mentioned throughout history, seemingly beginnig with the greeks, and passed along and re-invented in many forms. I read that the first pie "shells" were hard and almost inedible, serving more as a baking dish than a crust. once the innards were eaten by a wealthy family, the hard crust that had soaked up the juices or gravies of what was in them were given to the beggars. no matter how hard it was, i bet it was good.

the strangest thing i read was that animals were often added so they could surprise the folks cutting open the pie. a hole was cut in the bottom of the crust and birds were stuffed into it - "four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie". but they didn't stop at birds. apparently the animals got larger, even a dwarf jumped out of one pie shell to entertain royalty.

one recipe referred to making a "bullet-proof dough", another referenced baking in a round pan to literally "cut corners" and stretch the expensive filling to cover the bottom crust. Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) was apparently depressed so a long-standing member of his family's staff made sure that a huckleberry pie and milk set on ice were there for him to eat every day. No doubt the character HuckleBerry Finn wasn't unrelated.

it seems bizarre to me NOT to wonder what started or created something that we use in everyday life, things we see, eat, touch, they all have a history that includes someone coming up with an idea that most likely was so far-fetched that it met resistance. hard to imagine in today's society - the invention of a pie vs. an operating system. it seems that whenever the world MUST've invented just about everything there is to invent, something new comes along that we can't imagine living without.

next time you look across the table or the room at something that seems incredibly ordinary, look up its history. it might just be a fascinating story.

imagine that your footprints left a small symbol of your life when ever they touched the ground. everywhere you went.

imagine something like google earth going futher and further away, your trails get smaller and smaller, like a small chain circling the earth. starting and stopping as the land does, popping up on one shore disappearing from another.

imagine now that each place you stopped a little pop-up with a picture of something from the moment in that place or time. a portrait here, a scene there, a major event has a star by it. what would your map look like? have you gone to the places and made all the memories, saw all the scenery and had all the moments you'd like?

think of what your print symbol would be - something that will be seen by others as they walk by. how many times your loved ones' paths cross over or walk next to your chain.

where have you left your prints?

the price of freedom

there are few things i like more than free time. one of the most marked differences between children/teens and adults is their use and appreciation of free time. being a non-parent, the debate continues to surface in my family as to who wants/needs/craves free time more - the mother or the career woman whose day is all about deadlines and unanswered e-mail. a much different type of chaos surrounds a mother, catching their small children as they run by to throw a piece of clothing on them or brush their hair, or later catching those same children as they run out the door to the mall with their friends to make sure they have money in their pocket or the appropriaqte clothing. i get it, i really do. but i can counter with 15-hour workdays spent in front of a computer screen not wanting to stop even for lunch.

for me, free time is not only something to be savored but also something to be spent wisely. this morning i opted for sitting in the sun watching the dogs be dogs. laptops can extend the creative process outside of the house or office. inspiration while in a beach or lawn chair just seems to feel better than at a desk. me surounded by a white picket fence and green grass works quite differently than me in a desk chair under florescent lights. ideas seem to come more easily. for that matter so does a nap. it continues to baffle me how a teenager can walk by a lemon tree filled with blossoms or sit in a cool breeze on a summer day without even noticing the simple joy found in both. funny, a child notices their surroundings, can be fascinated by a leaf or an ant hill, a teenager more often than not is oblivious to the beauty around them, unless it's a fashionable purse in a store window or the latest gaming graphics. after a long period of running around, be it after children or to your next meeting, it's time to start noticing simple things again. the sound of birds chirping or the smell of fresh cut grass, a butterfly on a colorful flower or the perfect wave rolling up onto the sand, more often than not these brings me back to a memory of the last time those things meant something. the last time days stretched endless and sitting on the curb was a pastime. the days before desks and bosses, deadlines and power point presentations. sure school was challenging, but mostly felt like a social life with work thrown in vs. office life with hard work with a bit of social life thrown in. if you're lucky to work somewhere that you'd even want to get to know those around you that is.

and so, the debate rages on. except i'm always stopped dead mid-argument when a mother of small children says "well, at least you can go to the bathroom alone". gotta give 'em that, shuts me up every time.

one strand at a time

day one
breakfast: a pear.

i know how to do this, the proof there is that i've done it. i know what i need, don't need, should eat, shouldn't eat. ugh. i get it, i really do.

then why is it so damned HARD?

i don't want my life to be a literal living hell but that's what happens to a foodie when the time has (more than) come to shed the weight AND the very bad health habits. i can eat healthy, i can. but when the family pasta meal comes around and most if not all of that meal is based solely on fat and carbs, all the willpower in the world couldn't stop me from the gargantuan pile of pasta, crunchy garlic bread, and sinful italian dessert. the latter is usually tirimisu and i defy anyone to locate any sort of low-fat mascarpone. italians are NOT known calorie/carb counters.

take a few small bites you say? just indulge once every few weeks or so? remember now, you're talking to a girl who started out as someone whose mom used to put rocks in her pockets on windy days. yes, i'm very serious, ask my mom. a girl who formed her eating habits around trying to escape the jokes (do you have to run around in the shower just to get wet?) and to look more like the popular girls with the curves. yes, back in the seventies curves were infinitely more desirable than emaciation much to my dismay. tell that to a teen today and they will walk away slowly hoping you aren't going to attack them because obviously you are running from men in white coats.

i love my relatives dearly. but when 2 or 3 older italian women would shake their heads at me as i dished out my spaghetti at gramma's eatfests and tell me to be careful because i don't exactly come from "skinny people" i guess i should've seen it coming. i could swear i recently saw one of those same women smirking silently as i put a piece of lean turkey and some cherry tomatoes on my plate. yeah, i know. payback's a bitch.

i can say that i like my spaghetti so much that i'm willing to swallow large pills, to prick my fingers & draw blood multiple times a day, to pull out a dress and gasp at the thought of subjecting anyone to even the THOUGHT of me in it. i shouldn't say it, but i can.

that's the change i'm seeking. to turn all of that around and put the stair-master, sugar-free jello and egg whites on my list of very favorites and remove warm iced cinnamon rolls, cheese-laden nachos and yes, large steaming piles of perfectly sauced spaghetti.

is it all worth it? of course it is. of course it is. say it with me mantra-style: of course it is. if you don't believe me, ask the girl with rocks in her pockets.

it's a brand new year, time to do the resolution thing. the ones that come to mind are the same ones that fail each year so it's hard to take them seriously. this time i've decided to pick only those that come directly from mistakes i've made and lessons i've learned in the old year.

take friendships for example. good ones, bad ones, old ones, new ones - i'm sorting through them all. a friendship can end just because it's time. no, really, it can and should. no need to hold on after it's become an obligation and listening to the opinions of others on whether to keep or dump just confuses things. when you're not having fun anymore it's time to go.

friends who listen as well as talk are worth their weight in brownies. if someone dominates your time together with every detail of their life it can feel like watching a bad television show when the remote is just out of reach. asking how you're doing then talking over your answer just doesn't spell sincerity.

according to the dictionary, there IS a difference. a FRIEND is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. an ACQUAINTANCE is someone recognized by sight or someone known, but not intimately. for me, the line that separates the two has been as defined as a shadow. it's time to trace over shadows with an extra bold sharpie. after years of making wonderful friends out of co-workers, i've come to realize those times are more than over. with responsibility comes great clarity: co-workers are aquaintances and should remain that way. the lessons i've learned from my mistakes in that area could fill lake tahoe.

BALANCE is a word that's kicked around alot lately. work / home / school / friends / family / yeesh! our lives are so much fuller than they used to be and i haven't even begun to master the art of anything resembling balance. i'd like to make it happen, even if i have to make a time grid to do it. since goals are often financial in nature, to me that says "work harder" which can REALLY mess up this equation. instead i'd like to add "work better" as a goal this year. spending an hour on a task that can be done in 10 minutes often just has to do with brain traffic. think clearly - another goal.

give advice ONLY when asked and judge ONLY when my opinion is relevant. if it's none of my business, i'd like to keep it that way. i've spent way too much time on things that don't require my input. oh, and don't fight someone else's opinion - it's theirs to keep. as is mine.

there are always the standard goals that i just can't ignore - love with all you have. DON'T hold back if the prize is worth it, DO hold back if it's just not there. instead of strict health regimens that will last until the end of february (if i'm lucky), add more vegetables & fruit to my diet, schedule more long walks (i love those) and keep the pasta to a minimum. that last one's a killer.

schedule a chat with myself at the end of each month in pen, no cancellations allowed. that's 12 times this year to assess whether or not i've made any progress and 12 opportunities to put myself back on track.

that "life is short" has become a cliche. based on the growing number of folks who've left my life, i'd have to agree. the challenge here is to keep that in mind when things get hectic or during times when family and close friends are just plain crabby. it's hard for me to remind myself to treasure loved ones while they're here since i start bawling immediately at the thought of them gone. note to self: that's not productive so cut it out.

worry is really hard on the soul. i'd like to reset my trigger so that worrying turns into action. if i can make some preparation in case whatever i'm worried about happens, do it. if there is nothing i can do, snuff out the worry quickly. one of the loftier goals for sure, but also one of the most important ones. i heard somewhere that a 100-yr old man was asked the secret of his longevity. his answer? "when it rains, i let it". here's to letting it rain in 2012!

i do

in-laws can be at best comfortable, at worst assholes. i know. my earlier ones brought along lots of drama, confusion, and attitude. oh, there were some fun times but some really difficult ones as well. i'm sure i added to the chaos at times but in a scene like that who would notice?

they talked about the hubby's old girlfriends "he was so much in love and was devastated when she left him" gee, did i REALLY need to know that? they asked for money, got jealous if one of their deadbeat boyfriends looked at me, made my relatives feel unwelcome and they conversed in spanish without considering i might want to join in - hell, even understand their conversations. they showed up at the door and stayed for months - "oh, didn't your husband tell you we were coming?" ummmm, no. a physical fight actually broke out at a wedding of all places. I could go on but i won't because this story has a happy ending.

eventually there was a feeling of incredible relief that i didn't have children who would have learned bad manners and unsavory behavior on weekends with their dad and his family.

present day: my in-laws are funny, always make me feel welcome and there is NO drama. on the few occasions where i got a little bitchy, they didn't give advice, didn't judge, and didn't seem to mind at all. sure there are ex-wives, but the current ones are always given the right of way and any scars left behind don't show up at family gatherings.

oh, and there are theme parties. let's see - a white trash party complete with cheese whiz and spam, an 80's party with big hair and cheesy make-up, a 50th birthday with geriatric gifts and white hair, a toga party where sheets tried but didn't quite make a Roman fashion statement, a luau with tropical drinks and sarongs and super bowl parties with crazy ways to pick next years teams. there are ghoul pools, wine-tastings, and just all-around good times. people get thrown in the pool, ride piggyback, play cards, dominos and beer pong.

yep, i lucked out allright. i think a 70's theme party might be in order and we all know what that means. the brady bunch is alive and well and living in our family.

come hell or high water

ever wonder where often-used phrases come from? i find myself saying something familiar then immediately wondering who coined that phrase and why. where did "coin a phrase" come from anyway?

mind your Ps and Qs (what's wrong with Bs and Cs?)
throw the baby out with the bath water (why not the old man?)
oh for God's sake (why bring him into this?)
a penny for your thoughts (i'd rather have a dollar)
fair to middlin (i get fair, but what the heck is middlin?)
what's shakin? (lots of things are shakin but why do you want to know that?)
how do you like them apples? (what apples?)
from soup to nuts (shouldn't that be from appetizer to dessert?)
johnny come lately (he can come late, but how does he come lately? and who's Johnny?)
one-trick pony (am i a pony? seriously)
fiddle sticks (no clue whatsoever)
let the cat out of the bag (someone keeps a cat in a bag? call the humane society!)
bring home the bacon (i'd rather bring home a paycheck than a pork product)
hit rock bottom (do we know there are rocks on the bottom? could be sand or grass)
what a sap (how did he turn into a gummy tree substance and why is it bad to do so?)
Jack of all trades (what if his name is Harry or Steve?)
Jumping Jack Flash (Jack gets around and he is very active)
another county heard from (what about the city or state? don't they have an opinion?)
it's raining cats and dogs (what? are there farm animals too?)
up at the crack of dawn (did it break?)

so many more, too many to think of. guess i'll just take a powder.

back-office

hello from my office. i am the manager of a very efficient and service-oriented accounts payable department. let me set the scene for you. regular office-type noises in the background, not much laughing or talking cuz hey, we're pretty darn busy. florescent lights, calendars, a few plants, guest chairs. oh yeah, and giant mounds of paper. as part of my effort to streamline and improve the department, i've come up with a few tips on how to assure excellent service from myself and my team. these i gladly pass on, without so much as a *hint* of sarcasm:

1. call every day about something minor

2. be as vague as possible when inquiring about an invoice or payment

3. assume and assert that you are the ONLY one in the WORLD that we service

4. need the same explanation over and over, and still don't understand it

5. act like you are the king/queen/god and we are low-life scum

6. know absolutely nothing about anything and don't even bother to know where to find out

7. assume that your invoice is jumping out at us from a pile of over 1,000 others saying "here i am, here i am"

8. e-mail often and copy everyone in the company directory about a $2.95 expense reimbursement

9. stand behind me until i get your minor task or request done

10. send/give us copies after copies of the same invoice/payment request over and over, by e-mail, fax, inter-office mail AND US Mail

11. mention everything we are doing "wrong" in meetings with executives, then smirk at me because my throwing YOU under the bus now would seem argumentative

12. assign the stupidest most air-headed person on your staff to be our liaison to your department

13. insist that we are the hold-up, that your invoice is sitting on our desk gathering dust, then find it on your own desk

14. make excuses about why you can't possibly get to our request because you're swamped, but assume that we are twiddling our thumbs

15. assume that we can just whip our our checkbook and write you a check and refuse to believe that there is a process involved and that it takes time

16. accuse us often of holding your invoice for our own pleasure other than because there are legitimate reasons why we can't get to it immediately

any and all of these will make our process go much more smoothly and improve our morale. i'm sure i've left out a few ways to give us incentive to handle your issue immediately, but feel free to call us and tell us how to do our jobs.

haven't i seen you somewhere before?

a wise group of women sat & watched a movie. one saw a common theme that i had apparently missed entirely. as stories get recycled with new spins and settings, they're just begging to be compared and i don't want to disappoint.

note to reader - the opinions in this blog are based solely on my personal taste, the decision of the judges is final

the official SOUND OF MUSIC vs. THE KING AND I competition begins:

King vs. Captain: point for K&I based on rank
Yul vs. Christopher: i was going to call a tie, but Yul's king is just too adorable so point for K&I
Scared woman in a new world: petrified Maria has it over brave Anna, point for SOM
Lots of children: K&I wins for most and cutest
Singing governess/teacher: SOM has it, Julie did her own vocals
Asserting dominance: King tells Anna how to behave - When I sit, you sit. When I kneel, you kneel. Et cetera, et cetera - degrading alright. Captain blows his whitle - When I want you, this is what you will hear - i'd have booted him out the door. hands down SOM
Heroine wardrobe: hello? curtain fabric? point for K&I
Scenery: no brainer, SOM's alps & old world charm over K&I's obvious painted backdrops
Slave-owners vs. Natzis: point for K&I because, well, cultural vs. maniacal
Sympathetic sidekick: Lady Thiang over Frau Schmidt based on looks alone
Villain: the Baroness is just plain snarky so vote for the King's cranky advisor
Escape plan, part 1: SOM. more tension when the VonTrapps dont come back to the stage than when Toptim doesn't
Escape plan, part 2: Toptim was caught and her boyfriend killed. point for SOMs alp-climbers
Sing-a-long energy: SOM, i just can't stay in my seat and more songs to sing along to
Defining production number: so many in SOM so point there. honorable mention for K&I's unique interpretation of an american classic with Asian style/beauty
Party grandness: K&I's ambassador dinner wins over Liesl's first ball
Star-crossed lovers theme song: sixteen going on seventeen has dancing, we kiss in the shadows doesn't so point for SOM
Boyfriend exit: Lun Tha was killed but Rolf just followed Hitler, goes to SOM
Governess/Teacher's advice for scared child(ren): my favorite things wins over whistle a happy tune for production value and singalongability
Happy ending: Captain and Maria marry, King dies. SOM
Personal connection: Grampa's hand-painted titles, main title in his OWN recognizabla hand-writing - HUGE point for SOM (and HUGE grin on my face)

Tally? King and I: 8 Sound of Music: 13

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