fireplace or forest fire?

i have a dark side. for some of you that'll be hard to believe. for others, the ones who know me best, "no kidding" is the best phrase here. that i am my own worst enemy has been told to me too many times to count. sometimes, when led to the altar of joy by the season or people celebrating it, the mind goes elsewhere. so far (fingers crossed) this year hasn't been so bad in that respect. i'd hate to believe it's because i indulged in a not-so-civilized ritual, but, hmmm. ok, here goes: i recently wrote down ALL the creeping, crawling thoughts onto pages and pages. all those things that hit me when i don't see them coming. the lies, the games, the very troubles that have found their way into my life. i hate to say it felt good, but oh, the feeling not unlike eating a very rich chocolate cake - the whole cake - in one decadent sitting.

for me, the way the pen-to-paper looks is almost as important as it reads, and i made the letters tell the stories in painful detail. all the pieces that you want to push aside when they intrude. my own personal bone-pile to quote a very wise friend, all come up too often because of the long walks i've been taking. there they were, allowed and encouraged, onto paper. what to do now. oh yeah, burn the suckers.

folded up small, in the corningware dish they went. candles in a dimly lit bathroom, fan on, door locked - burn baby burn. they fought back. not catching, not flaring. stubborn as i knew they would be. but, they did finally burn and all that was left were their ashes. almost as if i knew what to do next, i pushed the ashes into a pile, dug a hole in the corner of the backyard that is home to doggie doo and buried the suckers. gone. finally.

i don't know if that ritual did anything real, or if my mind told me those thoughts were finally unwelcome, but i have to say it really worked. they don't come any more. and if they do, it's just a little toe and then better thoughts overtake. my walks are filled with music and hopeful thoughts, plans, and motivation to keep up the lifestyle of the last 3 months that have shed me 30+ pounds. so satisfying. much more than that chocolate cake.